The piano has been drinking--Tom Waits

The piano has been drinking,
my necktie is asleep
and the combo went back to New York,
the jukebox has to take a leak.
And the carpet needs a haircut,
and the spotlight looks like a prison break,
and the telephone's out of cigarettes,
and the balcony is on the make.
And the piano has been drinking. . .

And the menus are all freezing,
and the light man's blind in one eye,
and he can't see out of the other,
and the piano-tuner's got a hearing aid,
and he showed up with his mother.

And the piano has been drinking,
the piano has been drinking . . .

As the bouncer is a sumo wrestler
cream-puff casper milktoast
and the owner is a mental []
with the IQ of a fence post
'cause the piano has been drinking,
the piano has been drinking . . .

And you can't find your waitress with a Geiger counter
And she hates you and your friends
and you just can't get served without her.
And the box office is drooling,
and the bar stools are on fire

And the newspapers were fooling,
and the ash-trays have retired
because the piano has been drinking,
the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking, not me.